Freeasthewind

I know this will proabley cause a lot of people to get upset I don't want to step on toes. But, I was just in line at the store and a non english speaking person was bitching because they are going to have to pay taxes. I say go back were you came from and quit taking my money and jobs.

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams......
Even if he's nuts!
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan.
What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up
and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...
(Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs,
past & present.
You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein,
and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines.
They don't want us there.
We would station troops at our borders.
No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.
We'll give them a free trip home.
After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately,
regardless of whom or where they are.
They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in.
If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here.
Asylum would never be available to anyone.
We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil.
If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else.
They can go somewhere else to sell their production.
(About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of know that what we give them is stolen or given to the army.
The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

11) The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.
She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

It's about time somebody stood up for america

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.....not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

Now this a story of my family and of course I come off as the crazies by my brother's veiw lol
How crazy is the Hagemier family? Well since you asked lets see. We have the distinction of being escorted out of a funeral parlor for laughing to loud. We were making arrangments for our mothers burial. You know because she was dead and we didn't want her just laying around the house. I know bad joke but wait it gets worse. We were sitting talking with the funeral dude. that's thier titles now funeral dudes really I'm not making that up. Anyway it was my older sister you know her as breakingwind Damn I mean freeasthewind. Our younger sister lois may we call her lolomay burger butt. And the only sane person in the room besides the funeral dude Marsha my wife. And heres how it started it seems Jodi Sheryl's daughter wanted a keepsake of grandma. Oh yeah mom was going to be crispy crittered. So sis asked about a keepsake box. But for some reason couldn't think of the word keepsake or box. When we finally figured out what she wanted which she finishes by saying nothing big maybe a small toe. which puts lolo and I on the floor. The dude tells her the price which was expensive so she asks if they could bring something from home. I turn to lolo and said knowing Sheryl she'll being a butter bowl. I put up my hand and moved it up and down like it was talking Parkay I said no grandma. Which put us all on the floor except the dude and Marsha who was apolizing for us. Then I said hey sis I have preparation h box at ome will that work? she's always been a pain in our butts anyway. And we all lost it and the funeral dude stood up and led us out of the funeral parlor. My dad turned his body over to science an after they were done with it they would crispy critter him and give him back to us. They said we could pick him up or they would send him thur get this the mail. My younger sister called about him one day and they said they didn't know where he was they thought he was sent out already. Lolo called me and asked what she should do. Yeah that was a mistake on her part. Because I told her to call the post office ther and ask for the dead letter office and see if they can find our dead dad. I figured dead letter office dead guy logical choice. Yes is this the dead letter office it is well could you look to see if my dead father is there please,hello hello you still there hello. The science plce found him and My sister and her mother-in-law went and picked him . And did you know you have to have a permit to transport a dead body even a crispy crittered one across county lines. If not you can get fined. trust me you better have a permit. Is the Hagemier family crazy you decide

I believe if a little rain most fall it'll fall on me.

I believe if the glass is half full it's got a leak.

I believe money can't buy happiness but it can buy a pizza.

I believe life is like a vacuum cleaner it sucks too.

I believe if you teach the world to sing it'll be off key.

I believe love will keep us togeather. that and super glue

And I believe if life gives you lemons pucker up.

I swear this place is run by a bunch of nitwits. How do they expect me to get any transfers when I can't get an agent to answer the phone to transfer the customer too??? If that is not enough then the calls arent coming through. But all I hear is dail get the transfers. Dam have you not been listening. Look at the records we keep look at whats going on. I am going to stand here and scream and scream. Dont tell us it is the way we talk on the phone. If that was the case we wouldn't get the transfers when there are agents. Think about it. I Hate This Job.

Really make you sit back and appriceate those other 51 weekends

Sexpiration date

and I'll assume you're not in management

I am grandmother's little helper. Always at her side. She never would run me off. When she was baking she always gave me dough to roll out to make cinnamon rolls. Which was only sugar,cinnamon and butter on pie dough but oh so good.
When grandmother cleaned I was always right there to help. Proabley more in her way than a help.
Once a month grandmother cleaned all the venetian blinds. And in those days that meant taking them down and taking them apart. Now I thought that was really neat all those blinds spread out on the kitchen table.
Now I see now that grandma didnt want to rum me off or hurt my feelings. So she told me if I touched the venetian blinds I would get Warts!!
Now I didnt remember this until I got a wart on my finger years and years after she was gone. But, every time I touched that little wart I remembered what she said. I wish I could tell her that I remember and I did get the wart like she said LOL

This came from my brother and I just so agree thought I would second it.
What is it with some people. I mean I was going to mickeyD's was waiting to turn in when a car drove up behind me then came around on my passinger side and she yelled at me. She said I made her slow down and I should be more considerate. Then she flipped me off and drove away. I told my wife about it and she told me she was driving to work she stopped at a stoplight waited for it to turn when it did she turned on to the other road this car ran the redlight came up behnd her honking his horn pulled along side her and yelled she needs to learn how to drive. He then flipped her off and drove away. And let me tell you something if you get in the turning lane just to pass me that ain't going to happen you'll either turn or go into a ditch but you won't pass me. And if your in a lane that is going to merge into my lane don't try to spend up to pass me because if I have to go 100 miles an hour to stay ahead of you I will. If you want to pass me do it in the passing lane and I'll let you. I went to walmart as I drove down the parking lot this car backs out of its space. I pulled in to it. I got and this car drives up and the lady yells at me saying she saw this spot from three rows over and I stole it. she called me a dickhead mother f*cker and drove away. What is wrong with people I just don't understand it anymore

So remember to use sunblock before you moon anybody

When? how? Where? What?

If I wnated to hang around with a cold man with slush for brains. I'd still be married

makes me crabbier

And I don't want to so keep your curtains closed

Take comfort in the fact that your mooning everyone behind you.

I re-watched this movie this weekend and I never fail to LMAO. If you want a good laugh at nothing serious this is it

PORKY'S: A raunchy, irreverent comedy classic released in the early 80s to set the tone for all other teen flicks of that era, PORKY'S takes a look at the sex lives of a group of teenage boys in 1950s Florida in all their obsessive, unfulfilled glory. Pee Wee, the main character in this group of six Angel Beach high schoolers, is so named for the size of his appendage; nonetheless, he wants nothing more than to lose his virginity. All six spend most of their time devising easy ways to score and spying on coeds in the shower, taking breaks only to insult their large dictator-like teacher, Ms. Ballbricker, and play pranks on each other. They devise a plan to take a trip to a divey strip club in the Everglades called Porky's, where they are sure to get some action; unfortunately, owner Porky doesn't much care for the underage likes of them, and after humiliating them and stealing their money, he kicks them out.

The boys are deflated, but not for long! What follows is one of the most elaborate and uproarious revenge plots ever committed to film, one that cemented this movie's place within the canon of comedy forever. Director Bob Clark culled his own childhood memories to write the film over a period of 15 years, and the personal quality as well as the elements of racism that were characteristic of post-WWII Florida, lend the film an authenticity that rises above the mere sex comedy. It also stars Kim Cattrall, who went on to star as Samantha in SEX AND THE CITY.

Production Status: Released

Genres: Comedy

Running Time: 1 hr. 34 min.

MPAA Rating: R

Production Co.: Porky's Productions, Melvin Simon Productions, Astral Films

Filming Locations: Broward County and Dade County, Florida

Produced in: United States

we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. ~The Eagles, "Already Gone"

I have always loved that song

If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery

1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a
deterrent to its use.

2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself.
Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in
foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.

3) Whine convincingly.

4) Certain ailments work better than
others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove
that you don't have that headache.

5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two
grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses:

- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I foundit, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.

- I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.

- The car ran out of gas.

- Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.

- He started it.

- I have jet lag.

- I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.

- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

- I missed the bus.

-The alarm didn't go off.

- I couldn't find a parking space.

-The Devil made me do it.

- Drugs made me do it.

- Everybody else does it.

- That's not my department.

- Our computer's down.

- We must have misplaced your original request.

- It's on someone elses desk.

- Don't ask me

- I just work here.

but you can't make him think.

The Four Agreements
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse

Hope you all have a great weekend. I leave this as a parting laugh
Signs You've Grown Up
1.Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2.Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3.You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4.6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5.You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6.You watch the Weather Channel.
7.Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9.Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10.You're the one calling the police because the kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11.Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13.Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14.You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15.Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16.You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17.Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18.Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19.You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20.A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21.You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22.You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
23."I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never gonna drink that much again."
24.90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25.You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
26.You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Every 7 minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a ham string.

It is 7;12pm and am getting ready to leave and start my weekend. Hope you all have had a good week and even better weekend God bless and remember to laugh and be happy

and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
George Carlin

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye?," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man - who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with My daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

No moving parts, no batteries,
No monthly payments and no fees,
Inflation proof, non taxable,
In fact, it's quite relaxable;
It can't be stolen, won't pollute,
One size fits all, do not dilute.
It uses little energy,
But yields results enormously,
Relieves your tension and your stress,
Invigorates your happiness;
Combats depression, makes you beam,
And elevates your self-esteem.
Your cirulation it corrects
Without unpleasant side effects.
It is, I think, the perfect drug,
May I prescribe, my friend......the hug!

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the
bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat
the words several times before the patient's eyes opened his eyes,
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly
saw the

young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent.
He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers
around
the old man's
limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside
the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the
poorly
lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of
love
and
strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move
away
and
rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the
Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital
-
the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff
members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other
patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying
man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all thr ough the
night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died.
The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding
>> and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he
waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but
the
Marine interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked. The nurse was
startled, "He was your father," she answered. "No, he wasn't," the
Marine
replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he
needed
his son, and his son just wasn't here.
When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I
was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed "
The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual
experience.
We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.

AND GOD WILL BLESS YOU ! THIS IS
WHAT WE ARE PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO ANYWAY. RIGHT

for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

From a friend felt would give equal billing
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. It doesn't matter which quiz.

1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

If my Metro Geo was my convertible,today I would have the top down and the heat on. I would have wind blowing against my face and would be able to feel that wonderful sun on my skin.
If my Metro Geo was my convertible the radio would on loud playing to the clouds. It would be set on the am station that plays everything from the 30's to the 60's. And I would singing loudly along with every song.

If my Metro Geo was my convertible I would be free, free to enjoy this beautiful weather in a way that would make me feel different than I do on every other day.

an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense.

is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that

but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort

but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort

but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort

M y tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H eard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

L ooking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C ongratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H ow could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I 've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////

A s the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

############

C ongratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

****************

H appy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H appy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

W hen we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

/////////

W e have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I 'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%

%

%

%

%

Y our friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

-------------------------------------

S o your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives
mean the most to us,
we often find that it is those who,
instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures,
have chosen rather to share our pain
and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us
in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing
and face with us the reality of our powerlessness,
that is a friend who cares.

have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad

Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

This new day is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.

ralph waldo emerson

that not everybody has the same size bucket.

to forgive: highly unlikely.

a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." Mmm

I must apolize to everyone. I did not intend to open up this can of worms. I am not political becuase everyone has his views. I put in what was sent to me and I think everyones views are all right because that is what makes this world go round. And I have found there can be 4 or more people in a given situation and you will get 4 or more views of what is going on and they are all right in thier outlook. So again sorry if I stepped on any toes I don;t usually post this but something happened to make me do so. As for Bush don't care for him anymore than I do most polictians

I don't like to blog about Polictics per say but this was sent to me and I found it interesting. sorry if it steps on any ones toes.

Please take the time to read the attached essay by Dr. Chong. It is

> without a doubt the most articulate and convincing writing I have read

> regarding the War in Iraq. If you have any doubts please open your mind to

> his essay and give a fair evaluation.

>

> I had no idea who Dr. Chong is or the source of these thoughts... so when

> I received them, I almost deleted them - as well-written as they are. But

> then I did a "Google search" on the Doctor and found him to be a retired

> Air Force Surgeon of all things and past Commander of Wilford Hall

> Medical Center in San Antonio. So he is real, is connected to Veterans

> affairs in California, and these are his thoughts. They are worth reading

> and thinking about!(the same Google search will direct you to some of his

> other thought-provoking writings.)

>

> Subject: Muslims, terrorist and the USA. A different spin on Iraq war.

>

> This WAR is for REAL! Dr. Vernon Chong, Major General, USAF, Retired

>

> Tuesday, July 12, 2005

> To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it. Our country

> is now facing the most serious threat to its existence, as we know it,

> that we have faced in your lifetime and mine (which includes WWII).

>

> The deadly seriousness is greatly compounded by the fact that there are

> very few of us who think we can possibly lose this war and even fewer who

> realize what losing really means.

>

> First, let's examine a few basics:

>

> 1. When did the threat to us start?

> Many will say September 11, 2001. The answer as far as the United State

> is concerned is 1979, 22 years prior to September 2001, with the

> following attacks on us:

>

> * Iran Embassy Hostages, 1979;

> * Beirut, Lebanon Embassy 1983;

> * Beirut, Lebanon Marine Barracks 1983;

> * Lockerbie, Scotland Pan-Am flight to New York 1988;

> * First New York World Trade Center attack 1993;

> * Dhahran, Saudi Arabia Khobar Towers Military complex 1996;

> * Nairobi, Kenya US Embassy 1998;

> * Dares Salaam, Tanzania US Embassy 1998;

> * Aden, Yemen USS Cole 2000;

> * New York World Trade Center 2001;

> * Pentagon 2001.

>

> (Note that during the period from 1981 to 2001 there were 7,581 terrorist

> attacks worldwide).

>

> 2. Why were we attacked?

>

> Envy of our position, our success, and our freedoms. The attacks happened

> during the administrations of Presidents Carter, Reagan, Bush

> 1, Clinton and Bush 2. We cannot fault either the Republicans or

> Democrats as there were no provocation's by any of the presidents or their

> immediate predecessors, Presidents Ford or Carter.

>

> 3. Who were the attackers?

> In each case, the attacks on the US were carried out by Muslims.

>

> 4. What is the Muslim population of the World? 25%.

>

> 5. Isn't the Muslim Religion peaceful?

> Hopefully, but that is really not material. There is no doubt that the

> predominately Christian population of Germany was peaceful, but under the

> dictatorial leadership of Hitler (who was also Christian), that made no

> difference. You either went along with the administration or you were

> eliminated. There were 5 to 6 million Christians killed by the Nazis for

> political reasons (including 7,000 Polish priests). (see

> http://www.nazis.testimony.co.uk/7-a.htm )

>

> Thus, almost the same number of Christians were killed by the Nazis, as

> the six million holocaust Jews who were killed by them, and we seldom

> heard of anything other than the Jewish atrocities. Although Hitler kept

> the world focused on the Jews, he had no hesitancy about killing anyone

> who got in his way of exterminating the Jews or of taking over the world

> - German, Christian or any others.

>

> Same with the Muslim terrorists. They focus the world on the US, but kill

> all in the way -- their own people or the Spanish, French or anyone else.

> The point here is that just like the peaceful Germans were of no

> protection to anyone from the Nazis, no matter how many peaceful Muslims

> there may be, they are no protection for us from the terrorist Muslim

> leaders and what they are fanatically bent on doing -- by their own

> pronouncements -- killing all of us "infidels." I don't blame the

> peaceful Muslims. What would you do if the choice was shut up or die?

>

> 6. So who are we at war with?

>

> There is no way we can honestly respond that it is anyone other than the

> Muslim terrorists. Trying to be politically correct and avoid verbalizing

> this conclusion can well be fatal. There is no way to win if you don't

> clearly recognize and articulate who you are fighting.

>

> So with that background, now to the two major questions:

>

> 1. Can we lose this war?

>

> 2. What does losing really mean?

>

> If we are to win, we must clearly answer these two pivotal questions

>

> We can definitely lose this war, and as anomalous as it may sound, the

> major reason we can lose is that so many of us simply do not fathom the

> answer to the second question - What does losing mean?

>

> It would appear that a great many of us think that losing the war means

> hanging our heads, bringing the troops home and going on about our

> business, like post Vietnam. This is as far from the truth as one can

> get.

>

> What losing really means is:

>

> We would no longer be the premier country in the world. The attacks will

> not subside, but rather will steadily increase. Remember, they want us

> dead, not just quiet. If they had just wanted us quiet, they would not

> have produced an increasing series of attacks against us, over the past

> 18 years. The plan was clearly, for terrorist to attack us, until we were

> neutered and submissive to them.

>

> We would of course have no future support from other nations, for fear of

> reprisals and for the reason that they would see, we are impotent and

> cannot help them.

>

> They will pick off the other non-Muslim nations, one at a time. It will

> be increasingly easier for them. They already hold Spain hostage. It

> doesn't matter whether it was right or wrong for Spain to withdraw its

> troops from Iraq. Spain did it because the Muslim terrorists bombed their

> train and told them to withdraw the troops. Anything else they want Spain

> to do will be done. Spain is finished.

>

> The next will probably be France. Our one hope on France is that they

> might see the light and realize that if we don't win, they are finished

> too, in that they can't resist the Muslim terrorists without us. However,

> it may already be too late for France. France is already 20% Muslim and

> fading fast!

>

> If we lose the war, our production, income, exports and way of life will

> all vanish as we know it. After losing, who would trade or deal with us,

> if they were threatened by the Muslims. If we can't stop the Muslims, how

> could anyone else?

>

> The Muslims fully know what is riding on this war, and therefore are

> completely committed to winning, at any cost. We better know it too and

> be likewise committed to winning at any cost.

>

> Why do I go on at such lengths about the results of losing? Simple. Until

> we recognize the costs of losing, we cannot unite and really put

> 100% of our thoughts and efforts into winning. And it is going to take

> that 100% effort to win.

>

> So, how can we lose the war?

>

> Again, the answer is simple. We can lose the war by "imploding." That is,

> defeating ourselves by refusing to recognize the enemy and their purpose,

> and really digging in and lending full support to the war effort If we

> are united, there is no way that we can lose. If we continue to be

> divided, there is no way that we can win!

>

> Let me give you a few examples of how we simply don't comprehend the life

> and death seriousness of this situation.

>

> President Bush selects Norman Mineta as Secretary of Transportation.

> Although all of the terrorist attacks were committed by Muslim men

> between 17 and 40 years of age, Secretary Mineta refuses to allow

> profiling. Does that sound like we are taking this thing seriously? This

> is war! For the duration, we are going to have to give up some of the

> civil rights we have become accustomed to. We had better be prepared to

> lose some of our civil rights temporarily or we will most certainly lose

> all of them permanently.

>

> And don't worry that it is a slippery slope. We gave up plenty of civil

> rights during WWII, and immediately restored them after the victory and

> in fact added many more since then.

>

> Do I blame President Bush or President Clinton before him?

>

> No, I blame us for blithely assuming we can maintain all of our Political

> Correctness, and all of our civil rights during this conflict and have a

> clean, lawful, honorable war. None of those words apply to war. Get them

> out of your head.

>

> Some have gone so far in their criticism of the war and/or the

> Administration that it almost seems they would literally like to see us

> lose. I hasten to add that this isn't because they are disloyal. It is

> because they just don't recognize what losing means. Nevertheless, that

> conduct gives the impression to the enemy that we are divided and

> weakening. It concerns our friends, and it does great damage to our

> cause.

>

> Of more recent vintage, the uproar fueled by the politicians and media

> regarding the treatment of some prisoners of war, perhaps exemplifies

> best what I am saying. We have recently had an issue, involving the

> treatment of a few Muslim prisoners of war, by a small group of our

> military police. These are the type prisoners who just a few months ago

> were throwing their own people off buildings, cutting off their hands,

> cutting out their tongues and otherwie murdering their own people just

> for disagreeing with Saddam Hussein.

>

> And just a few years ago these same type prisoners chemically killed

> 400,000 of their own people for the same reason. They are also the same

> type of enemy fighters, who recently were burning Americans, and dragging

> their charred corpses through the streets of Iraq.

>

> And still more recently, the same type of enemy that was and is providing

> videos to all news sources internationally, of the beheading of American

> prisoners they held.

>

> Compare this with some of our press and politicians, who for several days

> have thought and talked about nothing else but the "humiliating" of some

> Muslim prisoners -- not burning them, not dragging their charred corpses

> through the streets, not beheading them, but "humiliating" them.

>

> Can this be for real?

>

> The politicians and pundits have even talked of impeachment of the

> Secretary of Defense. If this doesn't show the complete lack of

> comprehension and understanding of the seriousness of the enemy we are

> fighting, the life and death struggle we are in and the disastrous results

> of losing this war, nothing can.

>

> To bring our country to a virtual political standstill over this prisoner

> issue makes us look like Nero playing his fiddle as Rome burned --

> totally oblivious to what is going on in the real world. Neither we, nor

> any other country, can survive this internal strife. Again I say, this

> does not mean that some of our politicians or media people are disloyal.

> It simply means that they are absolutely oblivious to the magnitude, of

> the situation we are in and into which the Muslim terrorists have been

> pushing us, for many years.

>

> Remember, the Muslim terrorists stated goal is to kill all infidels! That

> translates into ALL non-Muslims -- not just in the United State, but

> throughout the world.

>

> We are the last bastion of defense.

>

> We have been criticized for many years as being 'arrogant.' That charge

> is valid in at least one respect. We are arrogant in that we believe that

we

> are so good, powerful and smart, that we can win the hearts and minds of

all

> those who attack us, and that with both hands tied behind our back, we can

> defeat anything bad in the world!

>

> We can't!

>

> If we don't recognize this, our nation as we know it will not survive,

> and no other free country in the world will survive if we are defeated.

>

> And finally, name any Muslim countries throughout the world that allow

> freedom of speech, freedom of thought, freedom of religion, freedom of

> the press, equal rights for anyone -- let alone everyone, equal status or

> any status for women, or that have been productive in one single way that

> contributes to the good of the world.

>

> This has been a long way of saying that we must be united on this war or

> we will be equated in the history books to the self-inflicted fall of the

> Roman Empire . If, that is, the Muslim leaders will allow history books

> to be written or read.

>

> If we don't win this war right now, keep a close eye on how the Muslims

> take over France in the next 5 years or less. They will continue to

increase

> the Muslim population of France and continue to encroach little by little,

> on the established French traditions. The French will be fighting among

> themselves, over what should or should not be done, which will continue to

> weaken them and keep them from any united resolve. Doesn't that sound

eerily

> familiar?

>

> Democracies don't have their freedoms taken away from them by some

> external military force. Instead, they give their freedoms away,

politically

> correct piece by politically correct piece.

>

> And they are giving those freedoms away to those who have shown,

> worldwide that they abhor freedom and will not apply it to you or even to

> themselves, once they are in power.

>

> They have universally shown that when they have taken over, they then

> start brutally killing each other over who will be the few who control the

> masses. Will we ever stop hearing from the politically correct, about the

> "peaceful Muslims"?

>

> I close on a hopeful note, by repeating what I said above. If we are

united,

> there is no way that we can lose. I hope now after the election, the

> factions in our country will begin to focus on the critical situation we

are

> in, and will unite to save our country. It is your future we are talking

> about! Do whatever you can to preserve it.

>

> After reading the above, we all must do this not only for ourselves, but

> our children, our grandchildren, our country and the world.

>

> Whether Democrat or Republican, conservative or liberal and that include

> the Politicians and media of our country and the free world!

>

> Please forward this to any you feel may want, or NEED to read it. Our

> "leaders" in Congress ought to read it, too. There are those that find

> fault with our country, but it is obvious to anyone who truly thinks

> through this, that we must UNITE!

>

> If you would like to see who this fellow is go to this Air Force web

> sight and look him up.

> http://www.af.mil/bios/alpha.asp?alpha=C

>

A man is likely to mind his own business when it is worth minding. When it is not, he takes his mind off his own meaningless affairs by minding other people's business.

Fool's errand or better known as a Snipe hunt
Who of you remember snipe Hunt. Or pulled this on someone else. "Fool's Errand or better known as snipe hunt. A snipe hunt, also known as a fool's errand or wild goose chase, is one of a class of practical jokes that involves experienced people making fun of newcomers by giving them an impossible or imaginary task. For example, inexperienced campers are told about a bird or animal called the snipe as well as a usually ridiculous method of catching it, such as running around the woods carrying a bag or making strange noises. Since real snipes (which are often mistakenly thought to be non-existent) are difficult enough to catch for experienced hunters, the hunt never succeeds for newcomers.

Snipe hunts are similar to hazing except that the abuse is embarrassment from trickery rather than physical humiliation.

The name comes from a family of shorebirds called snipe that are notoriously difficult to shoot

Dear Terrorists,
I am a Navy Aviator. I was born and raised in a small town in New England . I come from a family of five. I was raised in a middle class home and taught my values by my mother and father.

My dad worked a series of jobs in finance and my mom took care of us kids. We were not an overly religious family but attended church most Sundays. It was a nice small Episcopal Church. I have a brother and
sister and I am the youngest in my family. I was the first in many generations to attend college.

I have flown Naval aircraft for 16 years. For me the flying was never a lifelong dream or a "calling," it just happened. I needed a job and I liked the challenge. I continue to do it today because I feel it is important to give back to a nation which has given so much to me. I do it because, although I will never be rich, my family will be comfortable.

I do it because many of my friends have left for the airlines and someone has to do it.

My government has spent millions to train me to fly these
multi-milliondollar aircraft. I make about 70,000 dollars a year and after 20 years will be offered a pension.

I like baseball but think the players make too much money. I am in awe of firemen and policemen and what they do each day for my community, and like teachers, they just don't get paid enough.

I respect my elders and always use sir or ma'am when addressing a stranger. I'm not sure about kids these days but I think that's normal for every generation.

I tell you all this because when I come for you, I want you to know me. I won't be hiding behind a woman or a child. I won't be disguised or pretending to be something I am not. I will be in a U.S. issue flight suit. I will be wearing standard US issue flight gear, and I will be flying a navy aircraft clearly marked as a US warplane. I wish we could
meet up close in a small room where I could wrap my hands around your throat and slowly squeeze the life out of you, but unfortunately, you're hiding in a hole in the ground, so we will have to do this a different way.

I want you to know also that I am very good at what I do. I can put a 2,000 lb weapon through a window from 10,000 feet up. I generally only fly at night, so you may want to start sleeping during the day. I am not eager to die for my country but I am willing to sacrifice my life to protect it from animals like you.

I will do everything in my power to ensure no civilians are hurt as I take aim at you.

My countrymen are a forgiving bunch. Many are already forgetting what you did on Sept 11th. But I will not forget!!

I am coming. I hope you know me a little bit better, see you soon...sleep tight.

Signed

A U.S. Navy Pilot

Our Soldiers are one

of our greatest assets!

God Bless

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........ Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND:
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said ........ Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ....... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .....What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said .....Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said ....They don't have time

He said ..... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said .... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ........Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said ...... They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."......

we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!)

Pass The Butter ~ ~ ~ ~ This is interesting . . . .

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys.
When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research
wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do
with this product to get their money back.
It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter.
How do you like it?
They have come out with some clever new flavorings.

DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?

Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories.

Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine...

Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.

Lowers quality of breast milk.

Decreases immune response.

Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact....
HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this yourself:

Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.

Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:

* No flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

* It does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value
* Nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weenie microorganisms will not a find a home to grow.
Why? Because it is nearly plastic.
Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast

Why is it
Why is it when there is a Holiday coming I make so many plans. Looking forward to three or four days in a row that I don't have to go to work. Then the Holiday starts and something always happens and lately the something is getting sick. I swear the last couple of Holidays including this last three days. I ended up sick the last two days of the Holiday. Which means I didnt get to do anything but stay in bed. Saturday was cold so after going to the store I spent the day in my room on the over stuffed chair and ottoman. And watched a number of shows that I had recorded on the DVR. Mind you a lot of them were months old. And watched the snow falling out the window. More on that later. Cat was happy I was there Dog unhappy couldnt come into the room with the cat. Cant make everyone happy I guess. So my three day weekend ended with me being sick and staying in the bed. I think I will just take two day holidays they seem to be the ones I get to do something

I shall this and thought it really fits all you friends on the blog.uk
Love comes in all sizes....
Your Friends will support you....
And respect your creativity
for thinking outside the box....
They'll be there when you need a
shoulder to lean on....
Or a great big hug....
A true friend takes interest in
understanding what you're all about....
They see beyond the black and white
to discover your true colors....
And accept you just the way you are...
Even when you just wake up in the morning
So make your own kind of music....
Follow your heart wherever it takes you....
And when someone reaches out to you,
Don't be afraid to love them back....
They may just be a friend for life....
Practice patience and tolerance.....
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave....
And impossible to forget!
Please share this with all your unforgettable friends today....

Well in 30 minutes I will be starting my weekend. And it is going to be glorious 3 day weekend. I hope to have a very productive weekend. Doing things that I enjoy doing. I hope all of you have a good and safe weekend

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with. BUT, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

**********

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**********
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
**********
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's licens e. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card
with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**********

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
**********
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to! S T ICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."
**********

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

SCORPIO….: The Virgin

Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:SCORPIO The sex addict

Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:LIBRA The lover

Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you wanna fuck with... u might end up crying... the most irresistible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:ARIES The best!

Outgoing. Lovable. Spontanious. Not one to fuck with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships.=) Addictive. Loud. best in bed. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:AQUARIUS Does it in the water

Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:GEMINI Does Threesomes

Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the fuck out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. THE BEST OF ALL.9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:LEO The Lion in bed

Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at giveing head. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Loyal.Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Great when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:CANCER The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high sex appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.ISCES The Piece of ass

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high sex appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:CAPRICORN The passionate Lover

Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY VERY GOOD IN BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:TAURUS The Tramp
Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as ........ Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to fuck with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

.:SAGITARIUS The Sexy one
Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna mess with you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you

Dormitory- Dirty Room
Presbyterian- Best in Prayer
Astronomer--Moon Starer
Desperation-- A rope ends it
The Eyes-- They See

And then I regain Consciousness.

To all a good night

DOORMITORY
PRESBYTERIAN
ASTRONOMER
DESPERATION
THE EYES

along comes today

is if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does!!

Where tight shoes!!

I think it helps to make a cup of nice hot tea and then spill in the the lap of whoever is bugging you!!

And to all a goodnight. And a Happy ending to your V-day

slow day at work. But, I just flowers and a ballon from my daughter. Feel better than I have in a while

Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,

Success keeps you Glowing,
But only God keeps you Going!!

Happy V-Day

After reading an article about women's and men's firsts after 40. I got to thinking that, I am going to leave my 50's in a couple years and looking back I don't see any big firsts. Such as, Climbing Mt. Everest, or running a marathon, you get the idea. Now these are great first accomplishments at any age.
But is it these types of first the norm or the exception. I think they are the exception. I purpose that everyone has firsts after 50 but not in such a high profile way. But, firsts that are important to that person making them feel alive.
I took it to mean that at every age one should look forward to those firsts that make and keep life interesting. Going so far as planning a few of these firsts. If you have things you have always wanted to do this is the age to go ahead and do it.

Hope your day has been going good. I have been up since 6 so by 8 tonight I will drop. I got to bring my cat Spookers home. she has special food and meds. And in two weeks they will unwire her jaws. Poor Baby. I feel pretty good I was able to make a point to the twins. I am just not talking to them. I will answer in short answers and walk away. Sun is shining but it is brr-- cold out. But at least in isnt raining like they said. But have a happy day all

I had a article I was going to put on my other site and some other things I proabley would have put on but the TL kept making her rounds and making get off the net right in the middle of anything I started to do. And it has been a horrid day with my nieghbors the twins and the little twit I work with. Getting me in the middle of thier bull. I am trying to keep peace with the twins until we move but I dont know if it is going to work. But they have the title to the trailor so . So the God's are laughing

THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME WITH. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her .

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

So! the old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DON'T BE A POOP!

*

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*
*
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SHE TURNED INTO THE

FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old.......NOT DEAD !!!!!

OLD LADIES ROCK!

.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it--

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter...either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

This subject really caught my attention... namely how differently we deal with the traumas of our lives ...all depending on when in life they occur, what kind of personality we have...whether we're prone to depression and so on.

Like with many other things in life...happy people get happier, people with a lot of money seem to get richer etc...

We all experience traumas of varying degrees during a lifetime...no one can avoid that. We all will probably lose a loved one at some point in life...accidents...crime victims -- you name it.

It's how we deal with it that is different.
Me I am a screamer.

Actual Court Transcripts (or so they say!)
1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"11.
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and he had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All of my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a bowl."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
22. From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
23. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
24. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
25. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
26. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.
27. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? 28. Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home"

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just

Well, it is almost 8pm and I will be able to get out of this place. I know it is going to be cold out all weekend. But as long as the sun is out I won't care. I intend to spend the weekend doing some writing and hopefully maybe a little planning for my move. So everyone have a good weekend

But why waste a good kick on empty air!!!

You can't see yourself in the Mirror in the mornings

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people who avoided me just didn't like me.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans, and men should put pictures of their missing wives up at the mall!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease: That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I've come to realize that the secret to a happy life is not looking like Barbie or Ken and suffering through tofu and rice cakes to stay that way! It's eating chocolate, staying chunky and explain that you're really a perfect size 6, but you keep it covered with fat so it doesn't get scratched!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why is it that every time I lose weight it finds me again?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

Just once, when someone says "How are you" (without really wanting to know), I'd like to say "Well, I can't keep my teeth in, I pee myself every time I laugh, my hair is falling out, I cannot see where the heck I'm going most of the time, my back hurts and I pass gas every time I sneeze (and feel like sneezing right now)! I'll bet that'd cure 'em from asking again!

"Enjoy Your Days-----Love Your Life"
"Life is a journey to be savored."

Since our early years, we have learned that age is a state of mind—and that sometimes we are several ages at one time. The number of years we have lived mean nothing. Some never achieve poise and wisdom. Some seem to be born with it. No one cares how old we are if we are projecting something worthwhile that defies age. When we are comfortable with ourselves it reflects agelessness that only grows better with the years. Age, the Cherokee believes, includes the many stages of life to measure wisdom. If our minds are kept flexible, our bodies will be lithe and easy—and if our thoughts are rigid, our bodies will reflect it. We either grow and mature beautifully or we lose our flavour—like rare spices left in the wind.

These people who want to go there will get old pretty soon.
Tooklanni

The Bears are getting a divorce!

They are in court and the judge asks Baby Bear,
"Do you want to live with Papa Bear?"
Baby Bear replies, "No, because he beats me."
"So do you want to live with Mama Bear?"
"No, because she beats me, too."
"Well, who do you want to live with, then?"

SUSPENSE.... Who do he want to live with

Managers just don't get it. Just got routed out because I have been clocking in a few minutes late. Hey, I have been early for the last few days. Little rich... , I didnt say it. Oh well, I guess it could have been something like life or death. In this case death of my brain. I guess they want a pint with thier dinner

Until you get to know them

Why can't we shoot them?

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether its family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. if it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Idea came from Zn's blog. Thought good idea. My first five where Nightflier2scores, layreader1810, The_Walrus(there that song is again LOL) Sheffstox, Nathian1

I am the Walrus, I am the Walrus.  I know I know what the heck. I was on The_Walrus site and the Beatles song popped in my head and won't get out. And I dont even know the rest of the song. Lordy those two lines are just to much LOL 

cook, clean or put icky things near my mouth

those not witty enough to be sarcastic!

Stay up and plot revenge!!

What did you do with the Diaper?

Now I know that getting to close to the nieghbors can not be good. But, oh no I have let emotions get in the way. Now I have two Ladies who try to be more than neighbors but are so nosey and are in to everyones business and I hate being rude but---- Triedto included them as they are alone. But that was wrong as they or the one anyway. Likes to keep things going. And does things and you hear about it for ever. But, it is my fault I went against what I believe and got to close. Yuck when I move there is going to be a lot of hard feelings I am afraid

I noticed the improvement immediately

You made your bed now lie in it. What a crock we buy into when we are young

The smell of a good cuppa!! The relaxing heat coursing through me making the day seem far away. Away from people and constant yammering away over nothing. The moon shining bright in the cold dark sky making me wonder what I would see if I was up there. Trees are bare and chilly looking, waiting for the sap to run up thier trunks to bring back life. How close I feel to those trees. How I look forward to spring to warm me through and bring me back to being freeasthewind

I am sitting in my living room and the fireplace in the corner by the big patio door is burning a pretty nice fire giving off the aroma of pine. As I sit there I see a the paito door framing a picture that nature has made. A few feet away from the patio is a yuma tree and under it is so much life in the form of canadian geese and american geese who are my friends waiting to be feed. Mr. and Mr and Mrs Malard coming to know on the patio door. The water is calm there are a few ripples as the fish come to the surface to feel the warmth of the sun and get that bug that is sunbathing on the top of the water. The leaves are moving slightly as the wind picks up mixing up the dark greens with the light greens and the shadows playing along the edge of the water. I see across the water Mr and Mrs. Irin walking in the water with thier long legs carring them a few feet out of the water thier nest is close by but it is in the shade so that the american geese won't get them. Oh, look there come the little red foxes down a little farher playing in and out of the bushes. The picture has so many different smaller parts it is like watching a movie. There are a few flowers showing thier morning heads with the yellows and reds and I see something purple coming up around the other bush close to the door. Snap and the picture is set for a time.

I swear if my head wasnt attached I would lose it. I have a manuscript that I have been working on. With a working title of Lonely House. I had put it up for a few weeks as I got writers block and had a few other things I wanted to work on. I went to get it today had a few things that came to mind that I wanted to try and attach and I cant find it. I think it grew legs and walked off. If you find it send it home