Freeasthewind

There were ten roosters whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The
farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster
was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this
particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run
for
cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job
and
walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him
in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among
the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No
Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was
a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being
the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention

Nowe I hope no one takes offense to this but I thought it was funny

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
engineer are walking together one day They come across a lantern and a
Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says
the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever
made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall
around Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and Syria with all believers of
Mohammad
inside and all Jews, Americans, and other infidels forever outside our
precious state."

Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge
wall
a round those countries.

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall. "

The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and
completely surrounds these countries ... it's virtually impenetrable.
Now what is your wish?"

The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

Pooooof!

WORLD PEACE!!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got
my
leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think
is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply
replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She
responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit
me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my
body
are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee
maker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

--- Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old
because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Vinyl or CD?
I use have hundreds of Vinyl but I really like CD's easier to keep

New York or London?
I would like to do both. Never been to either one. Usually headed for the west coast.

,Night Club or down the Pub?
Down the Pub would be my choice. Or what they call Honky Tonks here

Sofa surfer or Gym bunny?
If I went by the last few months it is Sofa Surfer. But I do like going to the gym. Especially the whirl pool and sauna so I might get to be a Gym bunny again sometime

Money or Fame?
Money enough to beable to live comfortabley and enjoy life

Tent or Caravan?
Either one again it has been a long time for either

Vodka or Gin? Vodka but really prefer visiting with the Captn

Chocolate or Cheese?
Chocolate and cheese

Camembert or Cheddar?

Camembert

Age & Wisdom or Youth & Beauty?
Age and Wisdom. Have the age don't know when the wisdom starts

Burial or Cremation? Burial--Cremation and then buried by my grandparents and motehr.

I got two comments on my blog this morning from someone I don't know. And when I tried to go to thier so called blog.uk it didnt exist. And the comment didnt have to do with anything on the blog. You bet it was deleted but come on someone needs to go find a porn site if that is how they are going to be.
Comment:
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chein017 edmund chein018 edmund chein019 edmund chein020 edmund chein021 edmund chein022 edmund chein023 edmund chein024 edmund chein025  מצלמות אבטחה thanks

j8d4z4lt

Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

My karma ran over your dogma.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.

Welcome to Texas, now go home.

It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.

Life's too short to dance with ugly men.

Life's too short to dance with ugly women.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).

I is a college student.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Eschew obfuscation.

Will Rogers never met a lawyer.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Is there life before coffee?

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

I Cayman went.

My other wife is beautiful.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

Nuke the unborn baby whales.

Geez if you belive in honkus.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

Save California; when you leave take someone with you.

I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

There's one in every crowd and they always find me.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

If you decide to .......be sure you forward it so that the coffee will continue to pour.

We can pretend we are sharing a good cup of coffee, while enjoying....

Good Morning Blessings...

If it stops with you,
Then the blessing will disappear.

The blessing will only keep working
If it is continuously passed around.

If you are a recipient of a blessing,

Keep the blessing working

By being the source of blessing to other people.

This morning when I awoke

And saw the sun
Above,

I softly said, "Good morning, Lord,
Bless everyone I love"
Trust Him

Right away I thought of you and said a loving prayer,

That He would bless you specially,
And keep you free from care.

I thought of all the happiness a day could hold in store,

I wished it all for you because no one deserves it more.

I felt so warm and good inside,

My heart was all aglow.

I know God heard my prayers for you,

He hears them all, you know.

You have two choices...

Smile and close this page

Or pass this along

To someone else to spread the good feelings.

I know that I did!!

Subject: 10 Second Medical Examination

TAKE A DEEP BREATH -- AND HOLD IT.
STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS...
Then Scroll Down

TAKE ANOTHER DEEP BREATH -- AND HOLD IT.
NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS...

Scroll Down for Instantaneous Test Results

CONGRATULATIONS!
Your CAT SCAN & LAB TESTS are now complete and you passed.

- couldn't resist...

For all who appreciate the outdoors . . . the rarely photographed South Florida Squirrel.

Life is too short for drama & petty things,
so kiss slowly, laugh insanely,
Love truly and forgive quickly!

'1' Blaming your farts on me....
not funny... not funny at all !!!

'2' Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

'3' Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

'4' Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

'7' Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!

'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!

You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.

A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

>
>A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
>sitting
>there having a good time together, she starts talking about this
really
>great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she
>gets, and
>starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
>
>After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
>bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A
>salt
>shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
>
>The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
>"First
>you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of
>Baileys
>and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
>
>So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
>He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
>He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very
pleasant.
>He
>thinks........this is OK.
>Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
>
>In one second the sharp lime taste hits......
>At two seconds the Baileys curdles ...
>At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency
>hits......
>At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This
>triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint
>his
>girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally
>chokes
>it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you
call
>that
>drink?"
>
>She smiles widely at him and says,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"Blow Job Revenge."

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

They Walk Among Us!

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane .

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

..............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

...............They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

does anyone remember Burma Shave signs
For those who never saw the Burma shave signs, here is a quick lesson in US automotive history of the 1930s and '40's. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs about 4'wide x 1'high, with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are some of the actual signs which old geezers like me now recall.
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP

'CAUSE NOBODY SITS

ON THE ENGINEER'S LAP

Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE

Use Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD,

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING

Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER

LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING NURSE

Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT

TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT

Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER

HEMISPHERE

Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

ITS A BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN'T IT?

Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU

Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES

A CAR WIDE OPEN

ISN'T THINKIN'

HE'S JUST HOPIN'

Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY

Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT'S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER'S CODE

Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON THE CAR

TO DO HIS THINKING

Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH

DRIVER IN TREE

THE MOON WAS FULL

AND SO WAS HE.

Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW

Burma Shave

DEADLY THOUGHTS
ABOUT LIGHTS THAT SHINE

IF HE WON'T DIM HIS

I WON'T DIM MINE

Burma Shave

DON'T STICK YOUR ARM
OUT THE WINDOW TOO FAR

IT MIGHT GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR

Burma Shave

Do these bring back a memory?

If not, a kid you've gotta be

If they do, then just like me,

You're as old as that tall redwood tree.
Have a great day! Stay young at heart!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Share this with a friend!
I Just Did!

ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ??????
you may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Send this to all women that need a good laugh..