Freeasthewind

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At T he Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it . . .

at least one of these made you smile.

It is cloudy and on 62 degrees. Am waiting to go to work but dont know if ride is really coming. Phone went out line works but the dam phone isnt working need to get another phone. Cell phone has no minutes on it. So if she isnt coming dont know it and if she is on the way her calling me I wont know it either. One more crap day with more crap happening. I am tired of it all and just dont care. If I am late today I am just quiting I am tired of fighting and tring to do right an as of this minute I will do what ever. I have to right or wrong so be it I and werehave tried to right and were has it got me no were. sitting here waiting to go to work and not knowing if I am going to get there or not and no way to call. There is just to much stress I cant take it anymore this is not how it is suppose to be. I have done what I can do and that is that.

This guy took the words out of my mouth.

America, Canada , all Europe ..... needs a President like this

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
Quote: 'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians'.

'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'. 'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society .. Learn the language!'

'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'

'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'

'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,

'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'

'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'
Maybe if we circulate this , American AND British citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

If you agree, please SEND THIS ON.

How bad is the economy?

It’s so bad that women are now having sex with men because they can’t afford batteries.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive ?

When you swerve to miss a tree and then realize it’s the air freshener hanging from your mirror

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,
he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big,
green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop

his johnson over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

It is a wednesday, but not my humpday as I didnt go back to work until tuesday. It looks like we have a chance of reain everyday this week. Took the bus to work yesterday that was a joke I ended up having to walk a mile an a half because it didnt stop were it was suppose it flips routes every other hour. Today Jodi's boyfriend is taking me. Now that is something else. I was going to sleep in until 8:30 or 9 well Jodi hurt her back yesterday so she was up at 6:30 so now so am I . She was bored and decided she wanted to talk. Why is it when I want to talk she doesnt. She takes that after her dad Anyway I got to tell Bailey I loved him and to have a good day at school. The birds are up they are pissed I had a little of the moltening food left but have no cockateil food left for them and dont know when I will be able to get them some. So they are a little pisse and loud about it. I am awake now so Guess I will get ready for work I am leaving here at 10:30 I just hope that last call doesnt get me in trouble. As it was all screwed up. We shall see.

MORALS...

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

Went out to water my spider plant. And it was hot but not to dark. I was in the kitchen and I heard something and went ot the front door and it is pouring down raining and it is blowing like crazy now that is what I call a And there goes the thunder looks like it is going to rain down for a while. Now lightning is flashing. But, at least it might cool it down. Well I just hope it clears up tomorrow morning as I have to walk to work tomorrow my ride has tues and wednesday off. I bought a pound of hamburger for dinner so I dont have the bus fare now to get work.Soooo. anyway the rain is needed so they say. So let the rain fall it represents the distster of my life

Les Paul in 2004.Update | 5:44 p.m. Les Paul, the virtuoso guitarist and inventor whose solid-body electric guitar and recording studio innovations changed the course of 20th-century popular music, died Thursday in White Plains. He was 94.

The cause was complications of pneumonia, Gibson Guitar announced.

Mr. Paul was a remarkable musician as well as a tireless tinkerer. He played guitar with leading prewar jazz and pop musicians from Louis Armstrong to Bing Crosby. In the 1930s he began experimenting with guitar amplification, and by 1941 he had built what was probably the first solid-body electric guitar, although there are other claimants. With his electric guitar and the vocals of his wife, Mary Ford, he used overdubbing, multitrack recording and new electronic effects to create a string of hits in the 1950s.

Mr. Paul’s style encompassed the twang of country music, the harmonic richness of jazz and, later, the bite of rock ’n’ roll. For all his technological impact, though, he remained a down-home performer whose main goal, he often said, was to make people happy.

Obituary by Jon Pareles | Video

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'So, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

Who’s guilty?

Wife dreaming shouts out loud, “quick, my husband is back!” The man gets out of bed, jumps out the window, then realizes he IS the husband!

Lot of things have went down. Everyone knows I have to move as they are building a CVS Drugstore on these to blocks. WEll, the above is the house I will lease for a year and then buy on contract after that. It looks better in person as there are flower in the front and down the side infront of the side porch. It has a bedroom and sitting room upstairs, a living room a small dining room a large kitchen and bedroom and bath downstairs also there is a full basement and I will have my washer and dryer there. and there is a small fenced backyard for the dogs. Of course this week I will have to give him $500 and then on the 28th I will give him $550 for sept and that amount every month from there on. Of course I will also have to pay electric gas and water. Havent figured out how I will get the deposits paid. Because It is taking this check and next check just to get moved in. So we might have to live wiht out electric and water and gas for three weeks until I can scrape up the deposits. But, at least I will be moving and that is a plus. Anyway I started my tues through sat schudule so that is all right. And after this week I will have to take a taxi home as my ride goes on 10 hour days and is off sun and tue and wed. But something will work out for that I am sure. But, things keep moving and a changing so I am looking up somehow. I will be catching up with all your blogs in the next few days

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
A Hooker in Las Vegas

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a
fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a
hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy
crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the
corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further
down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third
Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly,
"I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job
that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.
I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced
the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is
$1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big
boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own
that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or
so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed
than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he
truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one
glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
"How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want
to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and
shows?

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the
whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had
a pussy."

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At T he Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it . . .

at least one of these made you smile.